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I was raised in a typical Irish Catholic family in the 1960’s. There were a lot of kids, and a lot of secrets—alcoholism, violence, sexual issues, and fear of God. When I got into my teens I rebelled. My dad became sick and I was very mad at God. Why did he do this to us? The fact that my father drank, smoked and had a bad temper had nothing to do with his heart condition according to our beliefs. I hated God and I hated my mother for creating a “punishing” God, very unlike the one that I had known during my early youth, prior to my father’s illness. I felt that she secretly liked him being sick so that we could “suffer” to earn more points in heaven. I was taught in school that the more that one suffered in this life, the greater one’s rewards were in heaven. The other thing that I was taught was that there were certain sins that were “mortal” sins and one would be damned to hell if one committed them. These beliefs, combined with drugs, alcohol and anger were a real formula for disaster.
The disaster began when I was 20 years old and had been forced to go to church by my mother. As I said I was very angry with her and the Catholic religion, but rather than have her bitch at me, I went. There was a new priest saying the Mass that day. He was young and very attractive. At the time I considered myself to be very hip (I did all the drugs, had had sex, etc), little did I realize how ignorant I actually was at the time. Steve made a pass at me as I was leaving Church. As hip as I was, this had never happened to me, and it threw me. Anyway, after drinking about a gallon of wine to get up the guts to do it, I had sex with him. Afterwards, I became very scared. This was a mortal sin, and I was going to hell. For the next six years I lived in hell. There was no one I could tell, and I could not be forgiven, as this was a mortal sin, no matter what I did that was good, I was going to hell. I became a black out drinker after this, and upped my marijuana usage as well. Whatever would take away the pain and the fear. I began to pray that I would die, and that God would extinguish my soul for the wrong that I had done. I felt so guilty. I was in constant pain. I’d pray that God would take me in my sleep. For the six years after this happened, I believed that whatever misfortune I had was a direct result of my having sex with this man.
In 1985, my father finally died. He had been sick for thirteen years, and finally died on New Year’s Eve after three weeks in a coma. All the pain and fear that I’d held inside of me began to come out. I had quit drinking alcohol two years before after having had a spiritual experience at an AA meeting, but I still smoked pot. I was finally beginning to deal with some of my issues, and the loss of my father. I became almost child-like in my belief in God again. It was as though all of my sins had been washed away. I began to feel a deep sense of love inside of me, a sense of purpose, and a belief in myself that I’d felt had been shattered long ago. My life was dramatically improving. I’d always wanted to be an actor, and I was finally in a place where it looked like my dreams were going to come true. The last time that I’d seen my father, I told him, “Dad, I’m studying to be an actor, and I’m going to be good. I’m going to be the best”. He told me “I’ve always known that you would.” Those words gave me strength and hope. I would need that for what was about to happen.
I ran into this woman, Helen, I’d worked with in a very good job that I’d had. She was older and sort of avant-garde, but she was always very nice to me. She seemed to be having a bad time with cocaine, and I became concerned about her. She asked me if I’d help her do some work around her apartment as she was remodeling. I agreed to. That night I asked her if she’d ever heard of “channeling”. It was the new LA thing, and I figured she’d know what it was. She got a strange look on her face, but said “no.”
That night she asked me if I wanted to try XTC. It was the hip new drug, so I figured I would. That night after we took the drug she showed me her “special talents”. She had stigmata in her arms like Jesus. She could walk through walls. She could make things move. I believed that she was Jesus, and had been sent by my father to protect me. (This experience turned out to be much like a movie called “Spellbinder”, in which an innocent guy protects a woman, only to discover that she is setting him up to be sacrificed by her satanic cult. He was the most pure of heart, so his sacrifice was the best.) I once felt the presence of my father in the room and thought that was a sign that I should be with her. After about six exhausting weeks of being with her, riding an emotional roller coaster, it happened. I found out what hell really was.
I had just returned from a weeklong trip to Sedona, where I learned about meditation, thought power, and getting clean from drugs. I had no pot, nor any other drugs for a week. I also learned about the affirmative power of prayer. I visualized and prayed about the things that I wanted in my life. I began to doubt some of the things that my own personal “Messiah” had told me over the past six weeks. I was confused. The day that I got back, I was amazed. My prayers worked! A major producer was interested in me for the lead in his movie. I was exactly the guy he was looking for. I called my friend, and she told me that I must help her with her mission, that was more important than my silly movie. She was Jesus Christ, and if she did not fulfill her mission the world would end. All because of my selfishness. Being an actor, and being successful were bad. I would pay for those things when I moved on to the next life. Didn’t I remember that God does not want us to be successful while we are here? I figured that I better cover my bases and help her out “just in case” she was right about God, and she really was on a special mission.
I went to Helen’s house, and was shocked at how it was decorated. She had finished redoing it while I was away. Everything was black and white. The floors were black, the walls were white, and had very little black splatters carefully placed on the walls. I noticed that she had a little black star tattooed on her ankle that I’d never seen before. Then she showed me her bedroom. There was a huge cross, turned sideways leaned against one wall. There was a red line painted down the side of one wall. The walls and the floor were white in this room, and the ceiling was black. There was a picture of a man inside of a star painted on the floor with circle around the outside. I figured this must be her astrological sign. The whole house was a maze, objects strewn everywhere. I tried to be polite and say that it looked great, but it was creepy. I didn’t understand it.
She asked me to take her to the airport the next morning. I told her that I couldn’t, that I’d miss my audition. She started to tell me again how selfish I was, that the world would end because of my selfishness. Somehow I managed to leave. The next morning she called me early in the morning and apologized. Again, she asked me to take her to the airport. Like a robot, I said “yes”. I missed the audition. This was more important, I was helping to save the world! She had given me one line of cocaine that morning, and told me that she was going to send me some energy. I felt a chill come over my body, not a good feeling. She then handed me a talisman with a devil’s head on it and said, “This is when the weirdness begins”.
Later that day I came back to her apartment. I was supposed to watch it to make sure that no one got in. I tried to open the door, but it seemed like someone was on the other side. I kicked the door in, and it was as though I’d opened Pandora’s box. I felt an anxiety and a level of fear that I’d never felt before. So different from what I’d experienced the week before in Sedona. I then realized that I was stuck. I couldn’t leave the apartment, as I couldn’t lock the door. I called several people, but had been instructed not to tell anyone where I was. I was very scared. I finally got a hold of a woman, Grace, whom I knew casually and got her to come over. I told her I had to leave for a few minutes and asked her to stay there. She looked around and said, “Are you a witch?” I didn’t know what she was talking about, Jesus’s live here! I went to my apartment and got the talisman and brought it back. Then I called a friend of Helen’s, and asked her to come over. I was getting more and more panicked by the minute. The world could end, someone could kill Jesus, all because of me. I had had visions several times of my being flung out the window of this high rise by some unseen force. This girl, Karen, came over and assured me that everything was going to be okay. She said that she’d help me fix the door the next day, that I should go to sleep in the bedroom, as it was very comforting.
I took her advice and went into the bedroom to sleep. As I laid down in the bed and shut my eyes, I felt my face contort into the mask of a monster. I looked as if I had been possessed. This demonic voice seemed to come out of me, that said, “Now I have more power than all of them, even the stinking cunt”. I then proceeded to go down a dark tunnel, very, very fast. It was like the tornado scene in “The Wizard of Oz”. There were all sorts of objects flying thought the air. All of a sudden I looked at the sky and it was black with white angels. Then it turned, and the sky was white with black angels. Like the little spatters of paint on the wall. Then it changed again, and I saw the letters HH, which were Helen (“Jesus’s”) initials. I continued to be in a state of pure fear. Then I landed very hard in total blackness. Then I looked around and saw many people standing around. All of them faceless, all of them very, very depressed. They were all slumped over. The feeling was total hopelessness and despair. I was very scared. I didn’t know what had happened. I could see a Light in the distance, but no one would look at it. Then a loud voice said to me, “Is this what you want?” I said “No”. I then began to travel back up into my body with the voice telling me “There is hell, because people create it. They won’t help themselves. God doesn’t create hell. People do by their fear.”
I came back into my body, not knowing what had happened, and in a state of complete anxiety. I looked at the clock, and it was the same time that it was when I had left it. The room seemed to be buzzing somehow. I got out of bed, as I could not sleep. I went into the living room and looked out the window of this old high-rise building at the city lights of Los Angeles. I was in a complete of panic. Several times in the previous month, when I would look out the window, I would feel almost as though I was being “pulled” out of it, to land face down in the parking lot. This time, as I looked out at all the city lights, I prayed, as I was so scared. All of a sudden the lights turned into pink candles, lighting up the whole city. The candles kept getting brighter and, then I saw white angels holding the candles. I calmed down.
I continued to go into and out of a state of panic into the next morning, when this woman came back to help me fix the lock and door. As we were fixing it, I again went into a complete state of panic and confusion, as I couldn’t remember how to use a screwdriver. Then a voice came to the right side of my shoulder and said, “Michael, you don’t have to suffer to know God. Leave here, and don’t come back. Don’t tell this girl what you are doing.” My mind then became totally calm and clear, we fixed the door, and I then waited a few minutes until she’d left and then I left, never to return.
I didn’t know where to go once I got out of there, so I went to Grace’s house. We had only known each other about a week. She said to me, “That woman is into black magic. I don’t know whether that is what you want.” I said “No, of course not.” I then became very enraged over what had happened. That night I stayed with Grace. I was afraid to sleep, as I was afraid I’d have the same experience of seeing hell again. I closed my eyes for a moment, and then opened them just to make sure that I was safe. I saw Helen lying beside me. I began screaming. Grace then gave me a piece of quartz crystal to hold. I knew very little about prayer, meditation, anything. I laid on the floor, and asked God to be with me. I then physically felt a presence leave me, and I became lighter. My whole body relaxed, and I went to sleep.
The next day I decided to move out of my apartment and stay with Grace. We had terrible thunderstorms on and off that day, which was unusual for Los Angeles in April. Grace and I continued to talk about what had happened. She told me that she had studied witchcraft, and recognized the symbols when she came into the apartment. She said that she had lit two pink candles and did a prayer in this woman’s “circle” in the bedroom. At one point, she said to me “You saw the Light”. All of a sudden the rain stopped, and the sun came out. I am nearsighted, but suddenly my vision came back. For the rest of that day I had uncanny psychic ability. I was afraid to go to sleep that night, as I was now afraid I’d lose that ability. It did lessen, and my nearsightedness returned. However, I was forever changed.
Within four months from that day, I had quit drugs completely. I began reading every spiritual book I could, trying to make sense of what had happened. I’d like to say that it has all been easy. It hasn’t.
The Challenges:
For years I struggled with nightmares and flashbacks.
Had a hard time keeping a job.
This world seemed meaningless.
I wondered, “What did I do to deserve this?”
Material objects lost meaning.
I had a hard time feeling any personal feelings towards people, including close family members.
I felt as if I were tainted goods.
I could not concentrate or focus.
I was scared that I was somehow “bad”.
I kept trying to find ways to re-connect—through food, sex, familiar places, meditation, people, small amounts of alcohol occasionally. Anything but drugs.
I felt “punished” by God.
Feelings of being totally separate and isolated from others.
The positive effects:
My eyes and skin are both incredibly clear and glowing.
I have much more energy now.
My eyes changed color right after the hellish experience. They went from brown to green.
The flashbacks finally ended after 5 _ years.
I look and feel much younger than my age.
I am much more understanding, accepting and forgiving of others.
I have very little fear.
I grasp things much more quickly.
I sometime have vague premonitions of people’s death, etc. JFK, Jr., Rebecca Schaffer, my older brother.
I have had several “visitations” from those passed over: my brother, a friend, a friend’s father whom I never knew.
I cannot tolerate any mind-altering substance (i.e. alcohol).
I am much more sensitive to food. Cannot eat a lot of junk food—sugar, white flour.
I cannot take most prescription or over the counter drugs. Aspirin and antibiotics are about it. Must use holistic medications. Extremely allergic to the other types of medication.
Several years ago when I had cosmetic surgery done, I found out that I very possibly have “malignant hyperthermia”. This is an allergy to anesthesia that 1 in 100,000 people have!
I am extremely sensitive to energy.
I sometimes “see” a person’s soul. This sometimes frightens people. Sometimes it is to my disadvantage, in that I do not then “see” the personality and how the person is choosing to express. This has happened to me many times with addicts/alcoholics. I see the “real’ them, and not their disease in action. (I am, however getting more practical with this one, thanks to AA.) They are often uncomfortable around me, as I seem to sober them up and act as a mirror to what they are doing. One man told me that after speaking to me, he stopped smoking pot that day.
My body temperature is lower. About 97 degrees.
I use my whole brain more easily now. I can add numbers very quickly and accurately in my head.
I have very little fear of people, situations, or death. I went bungee jumping last year.
I am much more in tune and connected to my body.
I must be very careful with my words. My negativity seems to come back quickly.
Very sensitive to sunlight and noise. Loud music physically hurts. I have developed a liking for more classical music, although I still like R&R.
Sometimes if I am in a very meditative state, I can look directly into the setting sun and my eyes sparkle.
Find a great satisfaction in being able to be of service and touch another person.
Feel much more connected to other people. No longer feel different.
Have had several more “spiritual awakenings.” They always seem to come out of nowhere, when I least expect them. If I look for them, they seem to elude me.
I am much more present, and don’t hold on to resentments as long.
My work as an actor has become much more consistent, and more rich when I am focused and allow my gifts to come out.
What I’m working on now:
I am extremely afraid of success and prayer. I somehow have it mis-wired that the reason I got a frightening NDE was because I had prayed for what I wanted (the lead in this movie), so I was punished by God for ‘abusing my power.” So I have been afraid to really “go for it”.
Allowing intimacy in my relationships, and good things into my life.
Allowing myself to be an individual.
Allowing myself to love and be loved.
Accepting the love of God.
Following my intuition.
Prior to my frightening NDE, when I would get upset and depressed, I would ask God to take me during my sleep. I'd say, "I am not going to commit suicide, but please God just take me when I am asleep." So I got a chance to see what it was like to have that prayer answered. I know now that suicide in any form is not the answer, the lessons still have to be learned. Michael.
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